A Question of Motivation...or Mediocrity?

 I do not run to inspire, but I do run an inspired life.

- RWB 7/15/2012

Jack and Me

*******

Some years ago before I became an amputee I bought Jennifer a book to help motivate her through triathlon training. It was "Up and Running" by Jami Goldman. Later I would read the book myself in a different light, that as an amputee. As I've written many times on this blog and elsewhere, it is not possible to understand some things until you have become them. You will not know what it means to be blind unless you are sightless; you don't know the difficulties of a certain disability unless you have that disability. Some of us are born with missing limbs; others lose them in accidents or war; and some have damaged limbs removed when they become a source of pain and no longer are functional.

A Lifetime of Inspiration

My first sports hero was Glenn Cunningham and he remains a source of inspiration to this day. While I was hospitalized after the bus accident of 1963, a boy was brought into the hospital with burns over 70% of his body from a gasoline fire...I remember the most horrible screaming I have ever heard, screams of intolerable pain that this little boy was enduring. He would not survive.

Glenn did survive and I think I at least had an inkling of what he had to overcome just to walk. The fact he ran world records on what was absolutely minimal training by today's standards was, and is...inspiring.

This year I was fortunate to learn of the heroic Jason Pisano. Inspiring? Beyond words and possibility. Impossibility made irrelevant. He had the use of his left foot only and was able to complete 52 marathons. So yes, leave your whining and woe-is-me attitude at home. You can do more than you imagine but not with the heavy anchor of negativity around your neck.

*******

When someone is disabled, be it by birth or circumstance, they remain a person, a human being. Their lives may or may not be more challenging than an able-bodied person. In many cases such as with amputees, there is a visual stimulus that may elicit a common response particularly in sport: they are inspirational.

There are other disabilities that are not as evident, in less severe CMT (Charcot-Marie-Tooth), CP (cerebral palsy), CF (cystic fibrosis) scoliosis, and others.  My sister-in-law Nancy has two titanium rods screwed into the length of her spine as a result of the latter. No one can see this without Superman's x-ray vision. Our friend Donna at first glance may not appear to be disabled in the least, yet a closer look at her feet and you may grimace. She has CMT. Ronnie writes that he has been "Blessed with Cystic Fibrosis and a positive attitude, it is my duty and passion to show the cystic fibrosis community that anything is possible."

All of these athletes have a far more difficult time being athletic than me, yet because my amputation is so viscerally apparent, it may be mistakenly thought of as the higher barrier to overcome. A well-designed prosthesis gives me back most of the mobility I lacked with the damaged anatomical foot with little of discomfort. I am slower but I have my freedom restored.

An article "We're not here for your inspiration" was recently published here decrying that "inspirational porn" (see pic at right) was being employed to guilt the able-bodied into thinking they don't have it so bad; why look at the poor crippled thing in a prosthesis hobbling along, if they can do it I need to get off my lazy bum and go for a run too! Ms. Young's main point seems to be that the disabled are not any more inherently inspirational than the able-bodied, that what is going on is exploitation on some level. That disabled people are no more or no less inspirational than anyone else.

Your excuse, is indeed, irrelevant.

She also goes on to make inaccurate statements like this, speaking of availability of running prostheses: "Those legs, for the record, cost upwards of $20,000 and are completely out of reach for most people with disabilities." The fact is yes, these are expensive specialized prosthetics but the feet themselves are surprising affordable at cost. However, if insurance or out-of-pocket costs are too high, there are many organizations like CAF and Achilles International who can and do help. Defeatism and a poor attitude would be the main barriers to these feet, not the cost. If you want to run you can.

 “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” -- Albert Einstein

 *******

I can speak from personal experience here. Before I even knew what the cost would be for me to run again - and I was going to run again - I was contacted on Twitter by a group who proposed a charity run to raise money for my prosthesis. My current leg was paid for by my insurance but I do know of other ways to obtain a running prosthesis if that was not an option. I can tell you a negative attitude would sink this ship on the spot. Wake up or go away you malcontents of personal despair and spiritual destruction.

Truly cynicism is cyanide to the spirit.

Every life is unique in this world; we are not a faceless community of cattle. That some are or become disabled is usually non-negotiable. You may not be able to control many elements of your life, but the person inside that is you, your attitude and spirit, is largely up to you. There is a choice to be made here, and I have always felt the one of negativity and criticism is the one to be avoided altogether. Run, run away from it.

It is possible that being a runner all of my life I have, pun intended, a leg up on understanding attitude. My early competitive days were generally spent near last place. What kept me from partaking of the sour grape vine? My love for running. First, last, or middle of the pack, I know not running is far worse for me. I never quit even when my broken body could go no further. There was a will. There was a way.

*******

We know there are terrible disabilities that many humans endure. No science or mystical words will improve their lives. But I have never, ever seen where taking a negative tact resolved anything other than to dig a deeper hole....or to enhance someone's self-inflicted fatalism. A bad attitude goes nowhere but down. If you choose to go there, fine, but don't rip your claws into those trying to climb up and improve their lives.
 
I never intended to be an inspiration to anyone. Being a runner all of my life, the only thing I wanted to do for all my life was run. That people see me now and often speak of my running as "inspirational" is not a thing I intended to do, but having once been an able-bodied runner I understand the sentiment. I know this: if we disabled athletes inspire or motivate someone to be active, and especially our peers who can see what is possible - then it is not just a good thing. It is a great thing. Anyone who chooses to disparage this has a personal agenda they are tending too.

To call inspirational pictures of individuals with disabilities doing amazing things as "porn" disgusts me. Oh, I understand how the term is used, and if used in a positive way then so be it. But it is being used to denigrate efforts and accomplishments as I see it, and I detest that "opinion" so much so that I found it hard to write this post.

If someone does not care for motivational posters of the disabled, what is the purpose of making it a contentious issue? Why call it inspiration porn? The answer, as nearly always, lies within.

*******

Here is my training partner, my inspiration for running the Boston Marathon next year. I never, ever lack for motivation anymore. I may be fatigued from a workout, but when I think of standing on that starting line in Hopkinton with my friends I am filled with such joy as to be overcome with emotion. I was told my running days were over and now I am going to run this legendary race.

What can't you do? Don't let them tell you, you show them what you can do. To those who think they can't, it's time to believe what you read.

"I run marathons not because I have Cerebral Palsy, but because I'm an athlete."

- Jason Pisano

9 Months to Boston, Baby!

Boston Retro

The above pic is a running outfit Jennifer bought me many years ago as a present. I thought of it as an "elite" uniform, one I was a little self-conscious wearing since I did not fit in that category. I did wear it once at the Cooper River Bridge Run, but not in another race.

When I received it I told Jennifer "this is what I'll wear at the Boston Marathon one day." That day receded further and further as my old ankle degenerated and eventually caused my running days to end.

On occasion before that time I would wear the shorts on the treadmill just to remember what was once promised. After my surgery I would to think of what might be.

*******

 
Now, as a former biped, I hope to run Boston 9 months from today, on April 15, 2013. I say "hope" because as all runners know, things can and will go horribly wrong that can end a dream in the blink of an eye. Still, I will be doing all I can to prepare for this day, I feel at times that my entire running life as been aimed at this singular coming moment. Almost every time I think of it I am overwhelmed...just as I am now as I write this.

I do not know if I will wear this old outfit next year. It is a bit dated and I no longer wear tank tops as a matter of skin protection. Likely I will not, but I am wearing it today as I once again restart my training.

With my treadmill map set for the starting line in Hopkington, I will run the first few miles at a very slow pace. I will think of this day in the future when I am here, with Jennifer, guides Randy and Mike, friends Kelly and Shariff. I will be on that starting line thinking of one who is running with me, Jay, and one who will be waiting in Boston, Ashley.

We will all get there together. Every left footed step of the way.

9 months to deliver this baby.

What a day it will be.

"Now I will turn the miracle into routine. The amazing will be seen every day."

- Pi, from "The Life of Pi" (Yann Martel)

Cooper River Bridge Run Mobility Impaired Division - Or Not?

Terry Hamlin, Bridge Run Hall of Famer

On Wednesday, May 30, 2012, I found out yet again the Cooper River Bridge Run (CRBR) had not followed through on their promise - publicized here in Mount Pleasant Magazine and here by runner/news reporter David Quick. - to create a Mobility Impaired Division in the race.

"For the first time in 2012, the Cooper River Bridge Run will feature a Terry Hamlin Mobility Impaired Division."

We had been working toward this for years as readers of this blog are painfully aware. For 2012 there was to have been a division (not a team!), which simply had not come about. There was no division; disabled people could form a "Team" which anyone could do, like "5 Dudes Named Bob" or whatever. But not a separate division like the wheelchair race.

(The CRBR eventually did post the names of the first place finishers in the 2012 race. I am confident knowing how the sign up process was handled as the Mobility Impaired Team, that there was not a conclusive way to know all of the MI participants. I do think they did the best they could and probably did identify the correct "winners" after initially posting incorrect results. This award recognizes only those MI athletes with artificial limbs and is not inclusive of all mobility impaired runners.)

When I contacted the CRBR on Facebook, we were told "There is already a team created entitled "Mobility Impaired". Please register under that team name."

I felt like it was the movie "Groundhog Day" all over again. Frustration and infuriation were mounting. Controlling my anger, I wrote this:

There seems to be such a wide gulf between the able-bodied and disabled at times.

Once you remember we are all human beings and should be treated as such it should be easy. Sure there are differences but that does not make one innately superior to the other. Far from it, you will see things from the other side that most are oblivious to, and by actually listening you may find riches far beyond any *money* can buy.

I say this because once again the Cooper River Bridge Run considered the mobility impaired community to be less than worthy of a division, despite publicity to the contrary. I do take this affront personally, as once able-bodied and now as an amputee. You would think after all the past mistakes of prejudice and discrimination someone would have the intelligence to know better.

Let's hope doing the right thing still means something.

- Richard Blalock
Mobility Impaired Runner, Mt. Pleasant, SC

*******

I wrote many messages, with this one on the Cooper River Bridge Run Facebook page:

The team concept is not what was to be done, that was done in prior years and was a failure. No results were posted and few knew to even sign up for it. A Mobility Impaired Division would be similar to the Wheelchair Division. Check out the Boston Marathon for how they treat the Mobility Impaired Division. They do not give awards since mobility impairments vary (amputees, people with cerebral palsy, etc.) but they are recognized in the results in a separate division. Many progressive races do similar things.
 
(You can read can read about the BAA's (Boston Athletic Association) Mobility Impaired Division here.)

I also obtained specific contact information for the race organizers for someone at Achilles International, having had the great pleasure to speak to founder Dick Traum shortly after my amputation in 2009. Achilles would have the expertise and experience to help with the understanding and details of creating a Mobility Impaired Division.

Someone was driving me forward as I leaned into the wind. The Greatest:

PLEASE do this. We have many in the disabled community who will find a reason to show that, as my friend Jason Pisano proved every day of his life, that "Impossible is Nothing."

(Note: Jay would not be eligible for any MI award currently at the Cooper River Bridge Run. No one other than those with artificial limbs are included for for consideration. Discrimination is discrimination is discrimination. This is terribly wrong.)

*******

Much went on behind the scenes, some I was aware of but some, I suspect, that which I am not currently privy to. It was obvious that action was escalating; late in the afternoon I heard from Terry Hamlin:

MI Division is now set for 2013. Application will be fixed soon.

I went to the Active.com website and sure enough, there in bold print, was Mobility Impaired listed as a separate category. The downloadable paper entry was updated to include it a short time later. For some reason the wheelchair division does not appear on either but I was told it would be added soon. I have to say after the whole "Team" fiasco I would have preferred to see "Mobility Impaired Division" listed but I understand that is exactly what this is to be.

*******

I then wrote this:

This would not have happened without the effort and support of many people. David Quick has allowed the local community to see what we can do, Thomas Terry Hamlin, race co-founder and now amputee runner who made our voices heard, Larry Wiley was instrumental in setting up early meetings, Emily Becker Nolan and paratriathlete/runner husband Jeff Nolan kept the issue alive and kicking, and thanks for the near eternal patience of Jen Starrett Blalock for having to listen to my frustration. Many other friends like Madeleine Hirsch, whose father has MS, and knows what many obstacles the disabled face. It is a small victory that will allow many to find they are, indeed, the magnificent. Thanks one and all who commented and for the Cooper River Bridge Run for finally making this happen. You are going to see many small miracles next year.

*******

Yes, I was very happy this has finally come about. A bit sad it took such a mighty effort to get it done by many, but in the end, it is actions, not words, that matter.

The only element, and a huge one as far as I am concerned, has to do with MI awards; they will be ones for first place Male and Female: "Presented to first runner with artificial limbs." It is my strong opinion any awards would have to be equitable, and for this reason, it is nearly impossible to insure it since the physical challenges in this division are so far ranging. A 50 year old grandmasters runner with moderate to severe cerebral palsy will not be able to compete with a 20 year old former collegiate track champion with a prosthesis. Only very similar disabilities in the same age group would be fair, and our numbers are far too few to make this a realistic scenario.

The impairments and ages simply do not make for a level playing field. Therefore, like Boston, the names and times (and I would add ages) should be listed so those with similar disabilities can see how they did relative to their peers. But giving awards, without regard to disability, age, and gender is unfair in this division. This is not the Olympics where qualification is required to compete; but it is a world class event open to one and all. 

I will continue to make this point, but given the work that had to be done to get the division inaugurated, I hope it too will be modified as I have outlined. I believe the Boston model is best. The prizes being offered at the CRBR is meant to be a nice gesture and the old able-bodied me knows this; but given the inequities of the various disabilities, I believe it unfortunately is simply unfair to the athletes and cruel to those being excluded.

*******

Let us compete as the great, would-have-been mobility impaired runner Glenn Cunningham wrote:

"People can't understand why a man runs. They don't see any sport in it, argue that it lacks the sight-thrill of body contact, the colour of rough conflict. Yet the conflict is there, more raw and challenging than any man versus man competition. In track it is man against himself, the cruelest of all opponents. The other runners are not the real enemies. His adversary lies deep within him, in his ability, with brain and heart, to control and master himself and his emotions."

This gimp at the 2011 Cooper River Bridge Run

I still find it hard to understand why this has to be so damn difficult. What was the purpose in it? Was anything learned?

I learned something. When you know something is right, fight for it to the end. Never quit. Never give in and never give up. Impossible is nothing.

And lastly...do the thing that is right because...karma is patient.

*******

Since the 2013 CRBR is a little over a week before the Boston Marathon - my goal race - I am not sure if I will run it. If I do participate I cannot race it, Boston is too important to me to be racing when I should be in full taper mode. We'll see how the training has been going and whether or not I have any issues that need rest at the point. I have signed up to show my support for all of the mobility impaired athletes, but I have a real problem with this award. It is just wrong to discriminate against my fellow MI brothers and sisters.

In this division that demeans us all, good intentions or not.

Jato

Adversity forges iron into the finest steel.

Rawhide Part 3

Nearly healed

It has been more than 5 weeks since I first noticed a skin issue that looked suspiciously like a skin infection. Two rounds of antibiotics cleared much of the condition, but this Monday my skin was still quite red on the distal end on my residual limb, far too irritated looking for me to run.

I researched various skin problems and this sure seemed like cellulitis with an added measure of folliculitis. Given what further complications could arise from these conditions, I decided I must see a dermatologist. My family physician's office gave me a referral and I was able to see the Dr. Allison Morrison on Tuesday. Her office is across the street from where I work, also very close to Dr. Ohlson's office as well. (I should note I also called Dr.Ohlson's office; he was out of town but called in to say I should see Dr. Morrison too.)

At this point my leg is better but still bright red. Dr. Morrison says my diagnosis from my family doctor was cellulitis, but at this point she is not as certain. Skin issues are common with amputees, having their limbs housed in dark, insulated prostheses that are perfect breeding grounds for numerous critters looking for a meal.

Dr. Morrison prescribed clindamycin, and suggested testing a smaller area with hydrocortisone to calm down the inflammation. I was also told when cleaning my leg to use cool water. By Friday the redness had turned to a healthier pink, and my residual looks good enough now that I can resume running.

*******

It would be difficult to impossible to know for sure what caused this infection, but there is one thing that stands out. In the past I had used A&D ointment to provide the lubrication and protection between my skin and the polyethylene liner. Outside of some heat rashes and skin pinching that were largely resolved, I had not had any abrasions or other significant issues until I changed to mineral oil. This was done because the A&D was clogging my vacuum pump at times, rendering it inoperative.

When I was told to use mineral oil I was not sure which product to choose. I did ask for recommendations but did not receive any specific answer. I did see there was such a thing as medical grade mineral oil, along with the usual items you can buy at any drugstore. Since I was only looking at this from a lubrication point of view, I bought a couple of brands and began using it.

A couple of months after this switch I was treated for a skin infection that was quickly cleared up, so I didn't fret over it. However, with this next problem I began looking seriously to all things I had control over and what had changed, and using the mineral oil seemed more and more like the culprit. I have no idea how sterile the oil is, and being cheap, would be surprised if it was of high purity.

I had visited ProCare the previous weekend and was told to go back to A&D, that whatever problems were causing the clogged pump would be addressed. An additional filter should help trap excess ointment that passes through the system. Also I know I do not have to use as much ointment as I did in the past so that should help too. For whatever reason, I do seem to be sweating less in my liner. When I have been able to run, I haven't passed large amounts of fluid through my pump. We'll see how it does later this summer when my mileage comes back up.

My NO2 injection tank, a.k.a. new filter

*******

For the second time this year I will restart my running toward my goal of running Boston. Week before last I learned I would have a deferment for running Boston in 2013. My good friend and amp running compadre/mentor Kelly Luckett called me after Boston this year to let me know this news, but suggested I get it confirmed since we had conflicting information from the race website. I called the BAA and got official word to which I was overjoyed.

Given this latest setback I would have 8 weeks to go from 0 to a marathon. With my recent knee surgery, I really did not want to push it so soon, but I am determined to make it to the starting line in Hopkinton next year. Not unlike my belief that I had to run the Charleston marathon despite many setbacks up to and during that race, I have to be at Boston next year. Few things can stop me but those things in my control will be handled.

And starting today, June 23, 2012, I begin training for Boston. Again. Determined. 

It is a good day to run.

Rawhide Part 2

After 10 days on an antibiotic my skin is looking much better, though not quite fully healed. I haven't run the past week since I didn't want to irritate the skin further and possibly extend my recovery time. I had thought it would have healed quicker than this, but staring at it does not seem to expedite the process.

The dark and always sweaty running prosthesis is an enhanced breeding ground for fungus and, no doubt, other wee microbes who love to feast on opportunity's hide. As I've mentioned, I am religious about cleaning my prosthetic wares, but I will be even more vigilant from here on out. There is a good article on this topic here.

I bought a bucket large enough to soak both of my liners in a bleach solution, and will clean them even more diligently with antibacterial soaps, hydrogen peroxide, and rubbing alcohol. Also at night I will use an athlete's foot spray on the residual. Now isn't that ironic, getting athletes foot where I have no foot at all? Cute, running gods, and well played indeed.

The Ugly - June 1, 2012

The Almost Good To Go

*******

I still do not know if I will have to requalify for Boston, I will be checking on that next week again and see if someone will be kind enough to talk to me. If not, I have about 11 weeks until my next marathon, once again being woefully unprepared for a race. It will be a slow one and I only plan to get my rusting carcass across the finish line in one piece without further injury.

There are promises to be kept and I mean to keep them.

Rawhide Part One

Skin infection on residual

A couple of weeks before Memorial Day weekend I noticed a red spot forming along the incision line on the front of my residual. I am very conscientious about keeping my liners clean, using antibacterial soap, and immediately attending to any skin issues like the occasional pinched skin break. This wasn't an abrasion, so I knew I had to be careful.

"Good good good lookin' out our back door" (S&L Photography)

We had been to Devil's Fork State Park where Jennifer had grabbed a great deal for a villa by staying up to midnight earlier in the year to snag it. We had a restful weekend, and did a little hiking at Oconee Station to Station Cove Falls. It was rather warm though not yet as hot as will be in another month. With my new walking prosthesis and the Renegade AT foot, I was enjoying the ease I could traverse the hills and uneven ground. With my old arthritic ankle, I could have not done this without a great deal of pain if at all; now I look for roots and rocks to walk over it because it does not hurt anymore. I never get tired of doing this!

Station Cove Falls (S&L Photography)

Anyhow I was sweating in my liner, not unusual and less than I have in the past, but still not the best environment for what was already starting on my skin. Despite applying a topical antibiotic to the spot, it continued to get bigger, and more red spots radiated from it. Follicultis? When we got home I noted things were degenerating, and was able to see my MD on Tuesday afternoon. He treated my previous infection with an antibiotic that quickly cleared it up; this time he used a different one that I began that evening.

I continued to run, not wanting to lose the microscopic fitness gains I have made since my knee surgery. This is obviously slowing the healing process so I am taking time off until the infection clears up. I'm also looking into changing my cleaning protocol, sterilizing my liners more often, and asking my amp running friends what they do to help prevent the problem from occurring in the first place. I don't want this to become a chronic condition or worse.

It is couch surfing season again, something I have done through my surgeries and other bumps in the road on this new running journey. I am hoping to heal in the next week as we have a race on June 14 at Charles Towne Landing. This is a Thursday evening event I choose because it could serve as a tempo run for me, since my racing speed, such as it is, will not return for many more months. With a few more workouts I should be able to run without someone mistaking me for a static park display.

Come to think of it, I ran my middle-aged PR at this location many years ago...it will be a nice reunion with the old me there, to see how far we have come and how far we will go. A little older, a little slower, but more thankful than ever, that...I...can...still...fly.

Red wing and all.

*******

Update: One of my CPs believe this may be fungal so some athlete's foot type medication may clear it up and be an excellent preventative.