Twilight

Emotionally the toughest the day for losing my foot was when we scheduled the amputation on March 18, 2009, coincidentally my sister's birthday. I had hoped we would have done this back in January and I'd be in my temporary prosthesis right now, but the AFO brace delayed this decision a while. Although I was relieved to have the surgery scheduled, I did have an out should we want to pursue the other options as I mentioned in an earlier post. Over time I had given amputation a great deal of thought so it was never a shock, but the reality of the decision on that March day was close.

When I left the doctor's office that morning - which happens to be across the street from where I work - I knew what I had to do but couldn't quite believe it was happening, that a date was set, that I was going to have my right foot severed from my leg. I found I could not go back to work right away, and drove around in circles while I steadied myself. I rubbed my lower leg and tried to imagine it gone - what would they do with it? Could I bury the ashes around a tree I planted? That thought continued to haunt me, it seemed both morbid and honorable at the same time. I could hold my own ceremony for a part of me bound for the far field, the windy cliffs of forever...

Back at the office I seemed to be in control only to find tears in my eyes with no warning; first they come and then the realization, like a newly cut wound, of what I was doing.

I was thinking today about how I have had a lifetime of running; from running around the block at Salisbury Acres and going cross country through the soybean fields and nearby clay mines; of being a very late blooming half mile runner who missed his senior HS year due to a stupid left ankle sprain to later that same year winning the local Explorer Scouts Olympics 3 mile x/c race at Parris Island; running for years for the sheer joy of it, fun local races and marathons; and meeting my wife through our love of running.

It is a pure sport; in a race it is, in the end, about time. No refs making knuckleheaded calls, no breaks for crowd noise, no one to take up the slack when the going gets tough but yourself. Alone, nearly naked, a start line, a finish line, and time in between. Competitors, aye, but all race against time.

I had a lifetime of running, but it had cruelly orphaned me, twisting out the deep roots in pain and deformity. A blink of the eye and it was gone. Done. Memories of running last week, last year, or even last century are just that - memories, and there is no comfort in the thinking, only in the doing.

Now I realize I have been given a greater gift than I could have imagined, a second life as a runner. Not that I ever felt I deserved an end to the first, I never wavered from my passion. But this is a new beginning for my old love, I will see things in a different slant of light, and just when I thought I had seen and felt it all, the light changes and the twilight defines the familiar in a new illumination, a brief holiness before the universe appears above.

Oh, I am a lucky, lucky man. Maybe running is embracing me after all.

I learned not to fear infinity,

The far field, the windy cliffs of forever,
The dying of time in the white light of tomorrow,
The wheel turning away from itself,
The sprawl of the wave,
The on-coming water.

excerpt from "The Far Field" by Theodore Roethke

April 27 - A stitch in whine

First, the photo at right. My wife Jen did a quick edit of my Valley of the Sun marathon thumbnail pic and put a running foot on my leg...how cool it was to see this today! Mucho kudos to my sweetie.

I had been dreading this milestone day as getting stitches out ranks right up there with a root canal and brain freeze for a few of my unfavorable things.

It's something of an expedition to get my half-legged butt into the SUV. Jennifer holds the front screen door open while I hop out the door and then down a step to the sidewalk. The slight slope isn't much but enough to give a nervous pause for balance. She unlocks the Pilot's doors and I make a boneheaded head first entry into the back seat. No problem really, just not as safe as going in backward with the butt-cushion available for crash control. The chair is not lightweight and Jennifer has to wrestle it into the cargo area; I try to help from my perch but can only assist in guiding it a bit. Off we go across town to the West Ashley office to take the next step.

Dr. Ohlson's PA greets us at the office and takes me down to x-ray. Good people may not be able to change someone's mood who is determined to be bleak, but when you feel such positive warmth it's impossible, at least for me, to be anxious at all. Still...today there are stitches involved but now the edge is gone and I haven't blown blue smoke from my hot rod chair wheels blasting out the door.

I get to sit in my chariot while x-rays are made...later in the examining room Dr. Ohlson and I look at them together. There I see my amputated fibula bridged over to my tibia, held in place with a single screw through a piece of bone. Very neat, it's going to be a terrific weight bearing foundation which should make prosthetic wear much easier since the distal end can absorb impact more like a natural foot. Dr. Ohlson inspects the stump; the skin color is natural and there is no weeping or discharge...looking very good indeed.

He tells me to come back in 6 weeks and after that I can get my tempoary prostheses. Next milestone!

Now it's really showtime...

My experience this time around was nothing like any previous suture removal. When I wrecked my cousin Danny's 50cc motorcycle just a couple of years after being thrown under the bus, and I had a number of stitches on my right knee. As Dr. Taylor began removing the bandage, I remember seeing this goop stretch up from my leg to the bandage and hearing the good doc call to his nurse..and this is no exaggeraton...COME NOW I'M LOSING HIM! My blood pressure dropped and I passed out. This among other incidents caused my fear of this otherwise benign day.

I was expecting a tug and stinging from the awakened incision site and maybe enough pain to result in watery eyes. Instead I watched as the nurse gently worked the thread out of my skin, nothing more than a mild sensation, no stinging, and no whining from the newly courageous patient. After all these years the promise came true: this won't hurt much.

The nurse applied Steri-Strips over the entire length of the incision and then I rolled the shrinker up my leg. Back at the main desk I made my appointment and got an application for a temporary handicap placard. I intend to use it only for the time I need the chair or have some complication with my prosthesis that requires me to use those convenient parking slots.

Jennifer brought me home and went back to work. I did my own PT session at home, worked on this post a bit, ate way too much...and always trying to get caught up on correspondence. I have made some friends via Twitter, kind of fun to use and just another way to communicate, something of a crease between IM and email.

Been another full day with more to come and I embrace what is yet to be. You just have to live long enough to see and feel some things. Some never get that chance. Live your life, fear is the only darkness.

Live.

April 26 - The Great Outdoors

I slept okay last night, I got my hours in but had to get up several times for the usual pit stops and once to let the senior cat out of the room for the same call of nature. "Little" is 15 years old, so she gets a little extra freedom these days.

After breakfast I did a long lower body workout, I want my right thigh to lose as little mass as possible. Jennifer took Baxter to the beach so I didn't have any help holding down the mat, given the food we have in the house I think he may be relieved of that chore if I don't close The Pit.

*******

I finally went outside today. Jen and I took Baxter to an open field in our neighborhood. With minimal help I was able to negotiate the chair out the front door, down one step to the sidewalk, and then down the driveway to the road. The driveway does have a bit of a grade compared to most houses here so I had to slow myself a la Fred Flintstone to bleed off speed.

Our good neighbor Charlie was out blowing yard debris out of the curb; Charlie and his wife are among the nicest people on this planet, and I know they will understand what we am going though. Still, although I was ready to be outside I wasn't ready to chat about Ertl amputations, carbon fiber feet, and running again in the near future. I just want to go outside, see the flowers I planted, walk the dog with my wife like we use to do, enjoy the sunshine and blue skies, and avoid the flying teeth if at all possible. I had been telling my neighbors I needed one more operation to fix my problem and I can't imagine they thought amputation was the answer.

I hurried down the road, saving the conversation for another day. It did feel good to be outside, and although I was a little self-conscious of my appearance, it bothered me less than a zit on the forehead, which I was sporting just before surgery. Nature really tries to dissuade the older, wiser among us from being attractive rite-of-spring-break types.

It was fun watching Jennifer throw the kong toy for Baxter to chase, he is quite a sprinter and with his fur and mane flying he was Super Dog...we need to get him a cape. Jen and me too. Okay, Baxter and me. And little silver wings for the feet. Any more would be a fashion faux pas, apropos for Baxter but ridiculous for moi.

On the way back I found getting up the driveway a bit challenging. I'm no Sisyphus and good thing the chair has brakes. After a bit of pondering Jen got my walker and I hopped in the house as the steps up proved too tough to negotiate on our narrow walk. I also had a problem with cars and trailers parked on the sidewalk; I haven't mastered the levitation exercise yet and, as mentioned, we only recently discussed superhero wear.

Tomorrow I will most likely get my stitches removed. Right now this is the only thing in my recovery I am dreading. I've had stitches from the top of my head (basketball) to the bottom of my feet (bullfrog catching) and most points in between so I have earned my scars and dislike of those tiny lines of parallel holes in my flesh. I chewed on a cloth when the PA played tug-of-war with them in my foot last time and my jaws were sore for days afterward. Grrr....

Just saying a 'man's gotta know his limitations' and pulling thread out of my wounds is right at the top. Pics to follow. ] ;-)

April 25 - Come Saturday Morning

Slept great last night except for having to wheel into the bathroom 4 times. I use my Backberry for a headlight and was thinking one of those LED headbands the ultrarunners use would be perfect for this task. I'm sure Jennifer would love for the fashion police to stage a two am raid and catch me.

I got up around 7:30 am and hopped into the shower to get ready for my PT session at 9. I have previous experience from my last operation getting the daily grime removed old rusty so this operation is routine. Two Harris-Teeter plastic bags, one over the stump and one split and tie around. Try that with your green bags and stay dry. ;-)

Cathy the PT arrived at 9 am and we checked out the healing. The stump still has good color and it appears to me the dressing change itself causes some tiny bleeding at a couple of sutures. There is no active drainage so I think we're still on schedule for Monday removal of the stitching. I hope they can put me under for that...jeese ah hates stitch removal.

Back to the PT...I learned some new exercises and she demonstrated how to do some push ups...it was great, she was doing standard push ups with the hand clap, I told her she was just showing off. I did manage a few sans applause while balancing on one foot later, not quite as impressive but still better than a robust nosebleed had I tried her variation.

I got a wonderful card from Kristen, J.R., and Jack. I don't have a scanner at home so this substitute pic will have to suffice. It never fails to make me smile. Kingpop loves you, Jack!

Later in the afternoon I did another workout from the printouts they gave me at Roper. Tomorrow I will do two or three workouts, not overdoing anything, just trying to keep the right leg from atrophying.

As I write this I have the burning phantom discomfort, man I wish I could put those flaming phalanges in a bucket of ice water. I often massage the stump to help, but just as often reach for the heel or piggies to give them a rub especially if I am writing and not looking at the leg.

Never did take the chariot outside for a ride. The neighbors are aware that I had an operation but I don't think any know exactly what I had done. I don't want to shock them - many have small children - but I'm not quite ready for it today. They are great neighbors; most did the bridge run and know I've been on the d/l for a long time.

So I hope to make my first public appearance tomorrow, no foot and all. I'm sure it will be fine, it's like the first time you ever wear tights on a cold winter's day. Eventually the mental scars heal long after the laughter subsides.

Besides, there's not a lot to see with shrinkage equalizing all men great and small.

Happy trails, kemosabes.

April 23 - 24: Lose 5 - 7, Gain 5 - 7

April 23

I met with my PT person, Cathy, and my nurse, Linda, who will work with me until I go back to my magical life as El Director del IT. I plan to start back May 4, working half days and then full days as long as I can keep the swelling controlled.

Both women have the same good attitude, it comes to mind that this usually means the people love their jobs and/or the companies they work for. All I know is that positive = good, negative = bad, and ah hates Chicken Little.

I won't be under their care for very long, but they will make sure I am doing my exercises (try THIS without a foot, Balboa!) and that Baxter isn't chewing on my residuum while I am napping.

April 24

I fixed my favorite quick breakfast, toasted bagel with natural almond (or peanut) butter topped with wheat germ, sliced banana, orange juice and french roast coffee. I took my pills and vitamins while catching up on the latest way to to reduce debt by digging a bottomless pit. But that's why I'm in IT, and not a lawyer.

I did my own PT today, all the exercises I was given plus I took a short walker tour of one of the flower beds where the daylilies are starting to bloom. While I was doing my floor sets, Baxter sidled up to me and laid down. He's such a sweet dog.

The photo is one Jennifer took of an early bloomer. I planted a number of bulbs two weeks before my surgery and they are starting to gush color. "Come look at us!" they tempt me through the front door...see above.

I had some delicious homemade vegetable soup (that came with the casserole delivery), pasta salad, bread and cookies for lunch. I tried to nap but I've couldn't quite doze off. After I do PT for a long time I feel my phantoms toes burning. The sensation rose slightly over the threshold from uncomfortable to maybe a 2 on the pain scale. This lasted until I went to sleep and was fine this morning.

I kept thinking about my old roommate Joe. He was having some complications and I wasn't sure he'd even be in the same room when I called. More good news...he is improving and sounding so much better than when I left. When I got off the phone I had to sit silent for a few moments. Thank you for taking care of Joe.

Jennifer and I discussed my coming home post...it was hard to put that into words as it was as much feelings as it was events. I am very happy to be home. As I write this I see a palmetto tree framed in the front door, potted flowers along the sidewalk and an anole in search of his lunch. Much to the dismay of my sweetie, I like to leave the front porch light on for the tree frogs as much as security. Since there is a small wetland in our backyard, the population of China pales in comparison to the numbers of mosquito and no-see-ums (flying teeth) bloodsucking angels from hell. Because we are near barrier islands where sea turtles nest, you often see "Lights Off For Sea Turtles" bumper stickers on 95% of the Volvos in the area. I prefer "Lights ON For Tree Frogs" because I don't believe in animal discrimination. ;-)

My mom has been staying with us the past few days to help Jennifer with my maximum caloric uptake (MCU^∞) and has been doing a fine job of stuffing me with chocolate chop oatmeal cookies, coffee cake, creme cheese squares as well as a number of get well soon goodies from my compadres. My sister Marcia picked her up just before a brownie was extruded through my gills.

Felt sleepy around 10 pm and we called it a day. I am beginning to think my dead foot is in hell because it burns so much. Hmm...

Blue day

Thinking of my friends in rehab, brothers and sisters in the here and now.
The longer the journey, the sweeter the arrival
Listen...
Friends are calling you home.
Run to them.

*******

We are all tested in life, some as infants, others in twilight, most along the way.
There is a time to bend, and a time to stand firm.
If you break it was because it was necessary.
This we can control, that we cannot.

*******

I never made promises lightly, there have been some that I've broken. but I swear in the days still left, we'll walk in fields of gold
-Sting

April 22 - Wild Nights

I'm going to keep this one short as it was a rather uneventful and I am a bit behind in my posts, email, phone calls, okay, a lot of excuses but I do need a break.

I've not been doing PT because we needed to make sure the redness in my stump (I still prefer "residual limb" but it takes longer to type) was not inflammation but because it had been down too much.

Some very good news is the leg has cleared up with only a tiny bit of redness and a drop or two of blood evident at on a couple of sutures.

My mood is better, the impatience is gone, and I am sleeping longer with 3 or 4 pit stops during the night to take a pill or big boy business.

My office sent us a turkey breast from Heavenly Ham. Management has been 100% supportive of my decision to get an amputation as well as my running over the years, allowing me to run at lunchtime during the winter months. A great place to work and I am hoping the housing market ease soon so we get busy again...as busy as a one legged man in a butt-kicking contest. Yeah, we have the personnel to do that!

My foot discomfort mainly consists of phantom sensations along with an occasional twitch of the calf muscle near the distal end of the residuum. I am taking the drug neurontin for the phantom pains, not sure right now it is effective for me. I can feel my heel as I write this; also have a moderate burning sensation on the ball of the invisible foot and various itchy spots, etc. I have found if I gently massage the stump it helps relieves the discomfort a bit.

The worst pain is when I put my stump straight down after it's been up a while. The blood rushes to a place that is being actively healing, and for maybe 10 minutes I am one unhappy camper. The good news is this does stop hand-banging hurting unlike my other surgery which was determined to set some sort of endurance record for pain, pounding me for about 4 weeks before it started easing up a bit. The only good thing I can say about the pain management for my first operation is it gives me a reference to compare the amputation to. My surgeon said this would be easier and I would recover faster and so far he is spot on.

It took me a little while to go to sleep. I was trying to catch up on my correspondence and this blog and went to bed some time after my wife. My personal bedtime quirks is I am usually feel warm when I go to sleep and cool when I wake; I start with just the sheet and as my molten core cools I add blanket(s) or cats until warm. My feet are very toasty and I usually pull the covers above them...so last night my phantom toes were on fire and even with the covers pulled above my stump they were not appeased. I felt the need to douse them with cool water but I was convinced that would not have the desired affect either. So I lay there for a long time with my missing piggies having a virtual barbecue somewhere south of my stump.

Glad I didn't stick around that party, somewhere I eased into the arms of a deep and peaceful sleep, only disturbed by the need to: pee, pee, take pain pill, pee, take neurontin, pee, get up.

Wild nights indeed.

*******

My friend Eric's surgery an initial report is: no cancer! OMG what good news that was! I know he and his family shared a few good tears, those sparse tears of joy. I can't wait until I see them again, they are a close knit family and now that bond is tighter yet. Love is like gravity, unseen but powerful enough to bend light.